The Big Myth About “True Love” This Marriage Therapist Wants You To Ditch
Many people believe that a good partner can instinctively understand what you want and how to make you feel loved. However, marriage therapists question this belief, suggesting that relying on such expectations can be detrimental to a healthy relationship.
Why Your Partner Can’t “Just Know” What You Want
Have you ever thought, “If I have to tell him to do it, then there’s no point”? It’s a common refrain when speaking about relationships. This mindset implies that if a partner truly loves you, they should be able to anticipate your needs without you having to voice them.
Marriage therapist Maria Sosa, MFT, strongly discourages this line of thinking. According to her, this belief is based on a flawed, socially constructed narrative that equates a partner’s ability to read your mind with love. “It’s akin to expecting others to read your mind,” she explains.
The Problem with Expecting Mind Reading
Expecting your partner to gauge your feelings or preferences perfectly is unreasonable. Each person’s needs in a relationship can vary significantly; one person may thrive on grand romantic gestures, while another may find these excessive. This disparity means what one person values deeply might not resonate with another.
Furthermore, as humans, our needs and preferences are not static; they fluctuate over time and in different contexts. Sosa states, “One moment we need emotional comfort; the next, concrete steps and solutions.” Therefore, even with the best intentions, it is unrealistic to expect your partner to guess every preference or need accurately.
The Importance of Communication
Instead of harboring these expectations, couples should focus on fostering open lines of communication. Acknowledging that your partner cannot intuitively know what you need allows for more honest dialogue about both individual and relational needs.
Sosa advises, “Stop expecting others to read your mind or just ‘know’ what you’re thinking or feeling. Set the relationship up for success by having open and ongoing conversations about your needs.”
For example, if celebrating your birthday is important to you, let your partner know in advance. If certain texting habits make you feel undervalued, express that openly so they can adjust accordingly.
The Takeaway
We cannot expect our partners to be mind readers. Rather than testing their love based on their ability to guess our needs, we can build more satisfying relationships by enabling them to understand us through effective communication. As Sosa aptly puts it, “Good relationships require intentionality; they don’t just happen.”
“If I have to tell him to do it, then there’s no point.” If you’ve ever felt this way, read this.
If you’ve ever found yourself frustrated by constantly having to remind someone to do something, you’re not alone. It can be incredibly disheartening when someone seems incapable of taking initiative or following through on tasks without explicit instruction.
When we find ourselves in this situation, we often question whether it’s worth it to continue asking or if it’s better to give up altogether. We wonder if having to constantly remind someone defeats the purpose of them doing the task in the first place.
However, it’s important to remember that everyone is different and has their own way of approaching tasks and responsibilities. Some people need more guidance and reminders than others. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they are lazy or incapable; they simply have a different work style.
In fact, some people genuinely appreciate the reminders and find them helpful in staying on track. They may value the support and guidance that comes with someone taking an active interest in their progress. It shows that you care and are invested in their success.
It’s also worth considering the impact of our expectations and communication styles. If we assume that someone should automatically know what to do and how to do it, we may be setting them up for failure. Clear and open communication is key in any relationship or partnership. If we want someone to take initiative, we need to make our expectations known and provide the necessary support.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide if the situation is worth the effort. However, before giving up and assuming there’s no point, take a moment to reflect on the bigger picture. Consider the individual’s strengths and weaknesses, their willingness to learn and improve, and the overall significance of the task at hand.
Don’t let frustration cloud your judgment. Instead, approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Recognize that everyone has their own unique way of accomplishing tasks, and sometimes a little extra guidance is all they need to excel.
